Prepare for incoming.....

Just trying to decide what to discuss first...... my friend's wedding that I didn't attend because of medical issues, or a the fly-by proposal from Saturday night's Galaxy game....

Decisions, decisions.

A brief history to begin.......

ok................let's see... where do I start.....

I've been married three times. Well, let me re-phrase that, I've been married twice legally, and I've had three WEDDINGS. The last time I just never sent in the paperwork. Thankfully. All have been night weddings.

1. WHen I was barely an adult, I married Prince Charming. Seriously. We both worked at Disneyland. I was a ride operator - wait, I mean Attractions Hostess - actually, Ride Operator is really a better term which is why our union was the Teamsters. He was Prince Charming. Both Snow White's Prince in the Kids of the Kingdom show, and Cinderella's Prince - during the Electrical Parade he stood on a float waving, holding a shoe (glass slipper.) 

Wedding was a grand bash at a huge, pretty, Catholic church in Palos Verdes. Put on the invitations "No small children please" (It's MY WEDDING, I can do what I want.) 500 people (waaaaaaaaaay too many) and a band. I had a big grey ivory taffeta dress (very Diana.) We were so pretty our photographer monopolized us to the point I didn't get any food, and our guests wondered where the hell we were. Lesson: Do not let your photographer run your wedding.

We separated after 10 months; divorced by 18 months. A year later I got a letter that he wanted to remarry in the Catholic Church so he applied for an annulment. I got a box of paperwork from THEM (The Church), which all I wrote on was: "I'm not Catholic. I will never be Catholic. I am on birth control. If I ever have children, I don't think I'll want to raise them Catholic." They gave us an annulment, so that was 18 months that never existed. Cleaned out our savings account when he left. Lesson: Never have a joint account. Make each other your beneficiary, but never have a joint account.

2. Several years later I married a card carrying NRA Republican alcoholic smoker who was insanely jealous of everyone I was ever on stage with. (What was I thinking?) 

Wedding was in Boston, this time with only 80 people. (Waaaaaaaaaaay too many.) Dress was a lovely ivory brocade in almost the same Diana dress shape, but not so BIG. I had requested red roses wrapped in ribbon for my bouquet. Florist showed up with bush roses (NOT ROSES) which were nothing remotely close to what I asked for. Got more food this time. Hired a student photographer to save money and she lost 9 rolls out of 11. Lesson: spend the money on a professional photographer. It's the main record you'll have.

We separated after 6 years (I left the day of the Northridge quake. By 10am that morning he was drunk and blaming the earthquake on me.) Finally divorced after 10 years when we could afford it. We're friends now, most likely because we don't live together and he's 3000 miles away.

3. A few years later I had a wedding. By this time I had learned that younger men are GodsPlan™. This man however, was a little too immature. Former drug addict, smoker, current alcoholic (apparently I have a learning disability.) 

Wedding: 60 people taken hostage on a boat in Newport Harbor (back in CA.) Still waaaaaaay too many people. Hand delivered invitations I made which were little messages in a bottle with some sand and small shells (über-cool.) I finally wore white. (It's MY WEDDING, I can do anything I like.) Finally old enough, and confidant enough to pull off a sexy, strapless, bias-cut silk drape thing with tiny mermaid fishtail train. Gorgeous. 

Had the DJ play only Vegas Rat Pack-ish music (Frank, Dean, Sarah, Billie, and some swing.) Everyone loved it. Hired a photo-journalist who stayed the hell out of the way and took AMAZING photos. Grandfather-in-law passed out because the family failed to feed him or give him his meds all day having driven from Santa Maria. Had to be taken to the hospital by Best Man (uncle-in-law.) Mother-in-law screamed at me later because I asked why she was on her cell phone "I'M TALKING TO THE HOSPITAL." Groom was high during the ceremony thanks to one of my "friends." Got more food, but still missed the cocktail hors d'œuvres because of photo ops with family. 

Had really pretty, sexy, strappy, heels on which felt fine until the second I got back on shore after the main party, then I felt like the Little Mermaid (Anderson's not Disney's) as if I was walking on knife points. So I took them off and went barefoot the rest of the night. Back at the Hyatt Newporter Hotel where we had dressed and most of the wedding party was staying, I had never had a better meal of a cheeseburger and champagne (still in my wedding dress, having my feet rubbed by one of my best friends who had given me away during the ceremony.)

Split at year 3. I wouldn't give him money to replace a lost golf club because we needed to pay rent. "FINE. I'M LEAVING." "Great, give me your keys and your credit cards." He had really bad credit forever, and ran up $45k of debt on my credit cards. Lesson: Never give them a credit card in your name. If someone gives you an extra credit card on their account (to pool miles), be a responsible adult, don't be a dick. Don't spend beyond your means, and pay it off every month. 

Now happily living with a younger man who's name I would actually take (something I've never done) but who doesn't believe in marriage. Naturally.

That's it for now. More pearls of wisdom to follow..........

I'm working on it......

seriously. I am.